Last Updated on January 18, 2026 by Lila Sjöberg
“Let me know if you need anything!” they say. And I smile and nod and say “Thank you, I will!” — knowing full well I won’t. Because asking for help feels like admitting defeat. Like proving I’m not capable. Like burdening people who have their own stuff going on. So I keep doing everything myself until I’m running on fumes and resentment, wondering why no one’s helping me with a situation I’ve never told anyone about.
If you’re the kind of person who’d rather struggle in silence than admit you need a hand, this one’s for you. Let’s talk about why asking for help is so hard — and how to do it anyway.
Key Takeaways
Difficulty asking for help often stems from deep beliefs about worthiness, independence, or not wanting to burden others. People generally want to help but don’t know how — vague offers rarely lead to action, but specific requests do. Asking for help isn’t weakness; it’s a skill that allows you to function sustainably instead of burning out. Starting small builds the muscle, and it gets easier with practice.
The Short Answer: To get better at asking for help, start small, be specific, and challenge the beliefs that keep you stuck in self-sufficiency. Ask before you’re desperate, make it easy for people to say yes, and recognize that accepting help is giving others a gift — not taking one.
Ready to get uncomfortable? Let’s do this.
Why Asking Feels So Hard
First, let’s acknowledge that your resistance to asking for help isn’t random. It probably comes from somewhere. Maybe you grew up in a family where needing help was seen as weakness. Maybe you’ve been let down before when you asked. Maybe you pride yourself on independence — it’s part of your identity.
Many women absorb the message that we should be able to do it all — career, motherhood, partnership, friendships — gracefully, without breaking a sweat. Asking for help can feel like shattering that illusion, admitting that we’re not the superhuman multitaskers we’re supposed to be.
There’s also the fear of rejection. If you ask and they say no, that feels worse than never asking. At least in silence you can tell yourself they would have helped if they knew. And then there’s the burden thing. You don’t want to put your problems on other people’s plates. (Notice how you’d happily help them with their stuff without feeling burdened? Somehow that logic doesn’t apply in reverse?)
Reframing Help as Connection
Here’s a perspective shift that helped me: when someone offers to help and you refuse, you’re denying them the gift of giving. Think about how good it feels when you help someone — that warm satisfaction of making someone’s life easier. By refusing help, you’re taking that away from them.
Humans are wired for reciprocity and community. For most of human history, survival depended on helping each other. Your resistance to help is actually pretty recent, evolutionarily speaking — and it goes against our nature as social creatures.
When you let someone help you, you’re not just receiving — you’re giving them meaning, purpose, and connection. The transaction isn’t one-way. It’s an exchange that strengthens the relationship for both of you. Plus, the people who love you can usually tell when you’re struggling. Your refusal to accept help doesn’t fool them — it just makes them feel helpless.
The Vague Offer Problem
“Let me know if you need anything” is well-intentioned but mostly useless. It puts all the emotional labor back on you — you have to figure out what you need, how to ask for it, and whether it’s okay to ask. Most of us won’t follow through on that, so the help never materializes.
This is why asking has to be specific. Instead of waiting for vague offers, think about what would actually help and request exactly that. “Could you pick up milk on your way over?” “Can you hold the baby while I shower?” “Would you take the kids to the park for an hour on Saturday?“
Specific requests are easier for people to say yes to. They know exactly what’s expected, how long it will take, and whether they can realistically do it. Vague requests create uncertainty; specific ones create action.
Starting Small
If asking for help feels impossible, start tiny. Ask for something so small it almost doesn’t count. “Could you grab me a water bottle while you’re up?” “Could you watch the cart while I run to the bathroom?” Build the muscle gradually.
Pay attention to how it goes. Notice that the world didn’t end. Notice that the person was probably happy to help. Notice that you didn’t become a burden — you had a small human moment of connection. Over time, work up to bigger asks.
Making It Easier for People to Help
Be specific and time-bound. “Could you watch the kids Saturday from 2-4?” is easier to respond to than “I need a break sometime.” Make it convenient — ask someone already going to the store if you need groceries. Offer reciprocity when appropriate. Express genuine gratitude without overdoing it.
Scripts for Asking
Sometimes the hardest part is finding the words. Try these templates:
For practical help
“Hey, I’m overwhelmed with [thing] right now. Would you be able to [specific task] sometime this week? It would really help me out.“
For emotional support
“I’m having a hard time and could really use someone to talk to. Do you have 20 minutes sometime soon?“
When accepting a vague offer
“That’s so kind — actually yes, would you be able to [specific thing]? That would be incredibly helpful.“
When the Answer Is No
Sometimes people can’t help, even when they want to. That’s okay — it’s not a rejection of you as a person. Practice responding to no without spiraling. “No problem, thanks anyway!” is all you need. Then ask someone else. One no doesn’t close all doors.
The Burnout Connection
Refusing help is a fast track to burnout. When you try to do everything yourself, you deplete faster than you can replenish. The resentment builds. The exhaustion compounds. Eventually, something gives.
Our piece on working mom burnout covers the warning signs. If you’re reading this article while running on fumes, please take that as a signal. Asking for help isn’t just a nice idea — it’s maintenance required to function sustainably.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if I genuinely have no one to ask?
Start building that network now. Join local mom groups, connect with neighbors, look into community resources. If finances allow, paid help (babysitters, meal delivery, cleaning services) is a valid option.
How do I ask my partner for help when they should already be helping?
That’s a different conversation about division of labor. For immediate needs, try specific requests without blame: “I need you to handle bedtime tonight so I can rest.“
Won’t people think less of me if I ask for help?
Most people admire vulnerability and honesty. The judgment you fear is usually your own inner critic projected outward. Try it and see how people actually respond — it’s usually with warmth, not judgment.
How do I receive help gracefully once I’ve asked?
Say thank you, accept the help without undermining it, and resist the urge to re-do what they did. The help is the point, not the perfection.
The Practice Continues
Asking for help doesn’t come naturally to many of us. But it’s a skill, not a personality trait. You can get better at it with practice, and getting better at it will change your life.
Start small. Be specific. Challenge the beliefs that keep you stuck in exhausting independence. Notice that people actually want to help you, and that letting them in feels better than you thought.
You don’t get extra points for doing it all alone. You just get burnout. The moms who make it look easy have help — they just don’t always talk about it.
So here’s your challenge: ask for one thing this week. Just one. Something small. See what happens?
You might find that letting people in is actually the bravest thing you’ve done. 😊
Lila.
