Last Updated on January 18, 2026 by Lila Sjöberg
“No” is a complete sentence. I read that somewhere and thought, “Sure, for other people.” Because when I said no, it usually came with a twelve-minute explanation, three apologies, and lingering guilt that kept me up at night wondering if I’d been too harsh, too selfish, too much.
Setting boundaries as a mom feels almost oxymoronic. Aren’t we supposed to be endlessly available? Isn’t that what good mothers do? But here’s what I’ve learned the hard way: a mother without boundaries isn’t a better mother. She’s just an exhausted, resentful one.
Key Takeaways
Boundaries aren’t walls — they’re gates you control, protecting your energy and well-being so you can show up for what matters. Mom guilt about boundaries usually signals you’re doing something healthy, not something wrong. Clear boundaries actually improve relationships by establishing honest expectations. You don’t need anyone’s permission to set boundaries, and you don’t owe explanations beyond what you choose to give.
The Short Answer: Setting boundaries as a mom means identifying what you need to function well, communicating those needs clearly, and holding the line without over-explaining or apologizing. Guilt is normal but not evidence that you’re doing something wrong. Boundaries are an act of self-preservation, not selfishness.
Let’s talk about how to actually do this — including what to do with the guilt that inevitably shows up.
What Boundaries Actually Are
Boundaries aren’t about controlling other people’s behavior. They’re about defining what you will and won’t accept, and what you will or won’t do. The only person a boundary controls is you.
Think of boundaries like the fence around your yard. The fence doesn’t stop people from existing outside it — it just makes clear where your space is. Some people can come through the gate. Some can’t. And you get to decide which is which.
Boundaries can be about time (“I don’t take calls after 8 PM“), physical space (“I need 20 minutes alone when I get home“), emotional labor (“I’m not available to process that for you“), and relationships (“I won’t attend events where I’m treated disrespectfully“).
What boundaries are NOT: mean, selfish, cold, or rejecting. Though they might feel that way at first — and others might tell you they are, especially people who benefited from your boundary-less existence.
Why Moms Struggle with Boundaries
Motherhood and boundarylessness seem to go together culturally. We’re told good moms are selfless — always available, always putting others first, always giving. A mom who says “no” or “not right now” risks being labeled selfish.
Many of us were raised without seeing healthy boundaries modeled. Our mothers were depleted martyrs or rigid walls, and neither looks like what we want. We don’t know what healthy boundaries look like in practice.
There’s also the guilt — that persistent, nagging feeling that if you’re not giving 100% to everyone at all times, you’re failing. Guilt can feel like a moral compass when it’s actually just discomfort with change.
Identifying What You Need
Before you can set boundaries, you need to know what you need. Start by noticing resentment. Resentment is a signal that a boundary is needed. If you’re fuming about something someone keeps doing, or something you keep doing that you don’t want to do, there’s a boundary trying to emerge.
Ask yourself:
– What am I tolerating that’s draining me?
– What do I need to function well?
– What would I change if I weren’t worried about others’ reactions?
Your answers point toward boundaries.
How to Communicate Boundaries
The best boundaries are clear, direct, and brief. You don’t need to justify, argue, defend, or explain (the JADE trap). A simple statement of what is or isn’t okay is enough.
Format: “I [need/won’t/can’t] X.” Examples:
– “I need 30 minutes alone when I get home before being available.”
– “I won’t be checking work email on weekends.”
– “I can’t host Thanksgiving this year.” Notice — no apologies, no over-explaining.
Delivery matters. Calm, neutral, confident. Not aggressive, not tentative. If someone pushes back — and they might — you can repeat the boundary without escalating. “I understand you’re disappointed. I still can’t do that.“
The Guilt Question
Setting boundaries will probably make you feel guilty, at least at first. That guilt is not a signal to retreat. It’s just discomfort with doing something new.
Try this reframe: guilt is the growing pain of boundary-setting. It’s evidence that you’re doing something your brain isn’t used to, not evidence that you’re doing something wrong. Over time, as you set more boundaries and see that relationships survive (and often improve), the guilt diminishes.
If you need self-care to recover from the guilt of setting boundaries, our 15-minute self-love guide might help.
Boundaries with Kids
Yes, you can and should set boundaries with your children. This isn’t cruel — it’s modeling healthy self-respect and teaching them that others have limits too.
Boundaries with kids look like:
– “I’m not available to play right now. I’ll play with you after I finish my coffee.”
– “When you scream, I walk away. Use your regular voice.”
– “My body is mine. I’ll let you know when I’m ready for a hug.”
– “I need privacy in the bathroom.”
Kids will test boundaries — that’s developmentally appropriate. Your job is to hold them anyway, kindly and consistently. This teaches them that boundaries are real things, which will serve them well in every relationship they ever have.
Boundaries with Partners
If you have a partner, boundaries might be needed around division of household labor, alone time, physical touch, in-laws, parenting decisions, emotional labor, and money. Frame it collaboratively when possible: “I need us to figure out how I can get some alone time each week. Can we talk about what that could look like?“
If your partner consistently violates or dismisses your boundaries, that’s a bigger relationship issue requiring outside help or bigger decisions about the relationship.
Boundaries with Extended Family
In-laws and parents — fertile ground for boundary needs. Common ones include how much involvement they have in your parenting, how often they visit or expect visits, unsolicited advice, and undermining your rules with the kids.
Your partner should be frontline on their own family whenever possible. When boundaries create conflict with family, remember: short-term discomfort for long-term health.
When Boundaries Get Pushback
Some people won’t like your new boundaries. They might call you selfish, dramatic, difficult. This is information, not evidence that your boundary was wrong. People who benefit from your boundarylessness will resist its ending. Hold steady. Don’t JADE. Follow through on any consequences you’ve stated.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I set boundaries without seeming mean?
Boundaries aren’t mean — they’re clear. Delivery matters: calm, kind, direct. “I can’t do that” said warmly isn’t mean. If people perceive any boundary as mean, that’s about their expectations, not your delivery.
What if I set a boundary and feel so guilty I can’t function?
Sit with it. Don’t immediately cave to relieve the discomfort. Guilt is temporary; it passes. If it’s overwhelming, talk to someone — a therapist can help you work through the beliefs driving excessive guilt.
My mother-in-law ignores every boundary I set. What do I do?
Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions. Decide what you’ll do if she ignores the boundary, communicate that, and follow through. “If you give the kids candy after I’ve said no, we’ll leave.” Then actually leave.
How do I set boundaries at work while being a good employee?
Frame them professionally: “I’m not available after 6 PM but will respond first thing tomorrow.” Most reasonable employers respect clear communication. If your workplace punishes reasonable boundaries, that’s a workplace problem, not a you problem.
Your Boundaries Are Valid
You don’t need permission to have boundaries. You don’t need to earn them through sufficient suffering. You don’t need everyone to agree that they’re reasonable. You’re allowed to have limits simply because you’re a person with needs.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re difficult or high-maintenance or a bad mom. It means you’re taking care of the human who takes care of everyone else. That’s not just okay — it’s essential.
Start with one boundary. Just one. Something small. Set it, hold it, survive the discomfort. See what happens.
You might find that protecting your energy makes you a better mom, a better partner, a better friend. You might find that people actually respect you more when you respect yourself. You might find that the guilt fades and what’s left is peace.
Your needs matter. Your limits are valid. And no is a complete sentence.
Go ahead and use it.
Lila.
