Last Updated on January 26, 2026 by Lila Sjöberg
I need to tell you about the night I hit rock bottom. It was 3 AM, I had not slept more than two consecutive hours in four months, and I was sitting on the bathroom floor crying while my baby screamed in the next room. I remember thinking: something has to change, but I have no idea what. If you are reading this in a similar fog of exhaustion, desperately searching for answers while running on caffeine and sheer willpower, I want you to know two things. First, you are not failing — sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason. Second, this can get better. Not overnight, not without effort, but genuinely, sustainably better. So let me share everything I have learned about helping babies sleep, including what actually worked and what was a complete waste of my depleted energy.
Key Takeaways
Sleep training is not about leaving your baby to cry until they give up — it is about teaching them the skill of falling asleep independently, which is genuinely good for their development and your wellbeing. Most babies are developmentally ready for some form of sleep training between four and six months, though readiness varies and your paediatrician can help you assess your specific child. There is no single right method; the best approach is one you can implement consistently that aligns with your parenting values and your baby’s temperament. Consistency matters more than which method you choose — mixed signals confuse babies and prolong the process for everyone.
The Short Answer
Sleep training typically takes one to three weeks and works best when started between four and six months of age. Choose a method that fits your comfort level (ranging from very gradual to more direct approaches), create optimal sleep conditions, establish a consistent bedtime routine, and commit fully for at least seven to ten nights before adjusting.
What Sleep Training Actually Is (And Is Not)
Let me clear something up right away, because there is so much confusion and guilt around this topic. Sleep training is not about abandoning your baby. It is not about ignoring their needs or teaching them that you will not come when they call. It is about helping them develop a skill — the skill of falling asleep without needing you to do it for them.
Think about it this way: right now, your baby probably falls asleep while nursing, rocking, bouncing, or being held. Those are lovely ways to drift off. But when they wake between sleep cycles (which all humans do, multiple times per night), they cannot recreate those conditions themselves. So they cry for you to come recreate them. Sleep training teaches them to fall asleep in a way they can replicate independently when they naturally wake at 2 AM.
The research on this is actually reassuring. Studies consistently show that sleep training, when done appropriately, does not cause psychological harm, does not damage attachment, and does not increase cortisol levels long-term. What it does do is improve sleep quality for babies and parents, reduce maternal depression and anxiety, and support healthy development. The Cleveland Clinic and the American Academy of Pediatrics both affirm that sleep training is safe when babies are developmentally ready.
That said, sleep training is not for everyone, and that is okay too. If it does not feel right for your family, there are gentler paths to better sleep that take longer but still work. This is not a moral issue — it is a practical decision based on your circumstances, values, and specific child.
When Your Baby Is Actually Ready
Timing matters enormously. Start too early and you will frustrate everyone; your baby genuinely cannot do what you are asking yet. Start when they are ready and the whole process goes much more smoothly.
Most babies are developmentally ready for sleep training somewhere between four and six months. By this age, their circadian rhythms have matured enough that they can distinguish day from night. They have typically lost the startle reflex that wakes them constantly. And crucially, most no longer need to eat every few hours through the night — they can take in enough calories during the day to sustain longer stretches.
But age is just one factor. Your specific baby might be ready earlier or later. Signs of readiness include: they can fall asleep somewhat independently at least sometimes, they are gaining weight well and your paediatrician is not concerned about night feeds, they have begun to consolidate sleep into longer stretches on their own, and they are not in the middle of a major developmental leap, illness, or transition.
Before starting any sleep training, have a conversation with your paediatrician. They can assess whether your baby is physically ready, whether any underlying issues might be affecting sleep, and whether the timing makes sense for your particular situation. This is not optional — it is essential.
The Methods: Finding What Fits Your Family
There is no universally best sleep training method. There is only the best method for your baby, your family, and your tolerance for crying. Let me walk you through the main approaches so you can make an informed choice.
Graduated Extinction (often called the Ferber Method)
This is probably what most people picture when they hear sleep training. You put your baby down drowsy but awake, leave the room, and return to check on them at gradually increasing intervals — say, three minutes, then five, then ten. When you check, you offer brief verbal reassurance without picking them up, then leave again. The intervals teach your baby that you have not abandoned them while still giving them space to learn self-settling.
I used a version of this with my second child and it worked within five nights. The first two nights were hard — I will not pretend otherwise. But by night three, she was fussing for under ten minutes before sleep. By night five, she was putting herself to sleep with barely a whimper. The key was absolute consistency; every time I wavered, it reset our progress.
Full Extinction (Cry-It-Out)
This is the most direct approach: put baby down awake and do not return until morning or the next scheduled feed. No check-ins, no reassurance visits. It sounds harsh, and it is certainly not for everyone. But for some families and some babies, it actually works faster with less overall crying than graduated methods, because check-ins can sometimes escalate rather than soothe.
This method requires a united front from all caregivers and strong confidence in your decision. If you are going to second-guess yourself at 2 AM and go in anyway, this approach will backfire. It only works with complete consistency.
Chair Method
For parents who want a gentler approach, the chair method involves staying in the room with your baby as they fall asleep. You sit in a chair beside the cot, offering your presence but not picking them up or actively helping them sleep. Each night, you move the chair slightly farther from the cot until eventually you are outside the room.
This takes longer — often two to three weeks — but some parents find it more comfortable because they can see their baby is safe throughout. The challenge is resisting the urge to intervene; your presence is meant to reassure, not rescue.
Pick-Up-Put-Down
With this method, you pick your baby up when they cry, soothe them until calm, then put them back down. You repeat this cycle as many times as needed until they fall asleep. It can work well for younger babies or those who really struggle with being left, but fair warning: it can also take a very long time and many, many repetitions. Some babies find the constant up-and-down more frustrating than helpful.
Gentle Fading
This is the most gradual approach. You continue doing whatever you currently do to help your baby sleep (rocking, nursing, patting) but slowly reduce your involvement over time. Rock for slightly less time each night. Pat more gently. Move your hand farther away. The goal is such incremental change that your baby barely notices the transition.
Fading works, but it requires patience measured in weeks rather than days. If you are severely sleep-deprived and need faster results, this might not be sustainable. But if you have strong feelings against crying, it offers a path forward.
Setting Up for Success
Whichever method you choose, certain conditions make sleep training dramatically more likely to work. Get these wrong and even the best method will struggle.
The sleep environment matters more than you might think. Your baby’s room should be dark — really dark, not just dim. Blackout curtains or shades are worth the investment. The temperature should be comfortable for sleep (most experts suggest between 18-22°C or 65-72°F). A white noise machine can mask household sounds that might wake a light sleeper. The cot should be boring — firm mattress, fitted sheet, nothing else. No blankets, toys, or bumpers.
The bedtime routine is your secret weapon. A consistent sequence of events signals to your baby’s brain that sleep is coming. Keep it simple and sustainable: perhaps a warm bath, pyjamas, a feed, a book or lullaby, then into the cot. The same routine, in the same order, every single night. Within a week or two, your baby will start showing sleepy cues as soon as the routine begins because their brain has learned the pattern.
Timing the bedtime matters too. An overtired baby is paradoxically harder to settle than a well-rested one. Watch for sleepy cues (rubbing eyes, yawning, becoming less engaged) and start your routine before your baby tips into overtired territory. For most babies, bedtime falls somewhere between 6 PM and 8 PM, but your baby’s ideal window depends on their age, nap schedule, and individual needs.
The First Few Nights: What to Actually Expect
I want to be honest with you because no one was honest with me: the first few nights of sleep training are often awful. Your baby will probably cry. You will probably cry. You will question every decision you have ever made as a parent. This is normal.
The first night is typically the hardest. Depending on your method and your baby’s temperament, there might be significant crying — sometimes for an hour or more with extinction methods, less with gentler approaches but spread over a longer settling period. It feels endless in the moment.
Night two is often worse than night one. I know, I am sorry. Something called an extinction burst commonly happens where the behaviour you are trying to change actually intensifies before it improves. Your baby is essentially testing whether the new rules are real. If you cave on night two, you teach them that escalated crying works.
Night three is usually when you see the first glimmers of progress. Crying decreases. Settling happens faster. You start to believe this might actually work.
By nights five to seven, most babies trained with consistent methods are falling asleep with minimal fuss. Night wakings often decrease too, though this can take a bit longer to fully resolve.
Full mastery — sleeping through consistently, settling quickly, handling minor disruptions without falling apart — typically takes two to three weeks. But the worst is usually over within the first week if you stay consistent.
When Things Go Wrong
Sometimes sleep training stalls or regresses. Here is what might be happening and what to do about it.
If your baby is crying excessively for extended periods night after night without improvement, something might be wrong. Check with your paediatrician to rule out ear infections, reflux, or other physical issues that make lying down uncomfortable. Make sure they are getting enough to eat during the day. Ensure the sleep environment is truly optimised. If everything checks out and there is still no progress after two weeks of consistent effort, your baby might not be ready or this method might not suit them — try a different approach.
If sleep training worked but then stopped working, look for disruptions. Teething, illness, travel, developmental leaps, and major life changes (new sibling, moving house, starting childcare) can all temporarily derail sleep. When this happens, offer comfort as needed but try to maintain your sleep structure as much as possible. Once the disruption passes, a few nights of re-training usually gets things back on track faster than the original process.
If your baby is waking extremely early (before 6 AM), experiment with bedtime. Sometimes shifting bedtime fifteen minutes earlier helps; sometimes later works better. Early waking can also signal overtiredness from insufficient daytime sleep, so look at the nap situation too.
If your baby settles fine at bedtime but wakes frequently overnight, the issue might be sleep associations that are not present at wake-ups. Make sure they are falling asleep at bedtime in the same conditions they will find when they wake at 2 AM — no feeding to sleep, no rocking, no patting that stops once they drift off.
Naps: The Other Half of the Equation
Night sleep gets all the attention, but naps matter enormously. A baby who naps poorly during the day will often sleep poorly at night because overtiredness creates a stress response that interferes with settling and staying asleep.
Nap training is generally harder than night training because the sleep drive is weaker during the day. Many families find success training nights first, then tackling naps once night sleep is solid. Others do both simultaneously. There is no single right approach.
For naps, watch wake windows carefully. A four-month-old might only tolerate 90 minutes of awake time; a nine-month-old might manage three hours. Put them down before they are overtired, in the same dark, boring environment you use at night. Use a shortened version of your bedtime routine to signal that sleep is coming.
If a nap is not happening after 20-30 minutes of attempting, call it and try again at the next sleep window. Long battles over naps often backfire, creating negative associations with the cot.
Sleep Training FAQ
My baby still needs to eat at night. Can I sleep train?
Yes, with modifications. Many sleep training approaches preserve one or two night feeds while teaching independent settling at other wake-ups. Your paediatrician can help you determine how many night feeds are still nutritionally necessary versus habitual. Once you know, you can train for all wake-ups except those designated feed times.
Will sleep training damage my bond with my baby?
Research consistently says no. Studies following sleep-trained babies show no differences in attachment, emotional development, or parent-child relationship quality compared to babies who were not sleep trained. What does affect attachment is chronic parental exhaustion and depression — which sleep training can actually help prevent.
My partner and I disagree about sleep training. What do we do?
Consistency requires everyone on board. If one parent rescues the baby while the other is trying to train, the process will fail. Have honest conversations about concerns, read the research together, and find an approach you can both commit to. If true agreement is not possible, you might need to accept slower, gentler methods that both can support.
What about sleep regressions?
Sleep regressions (commonly around 4 months, 8-10 months, and 18 months) are real but temporary. They coincide with developmental leaps and growth spurts. Maintain your sleep structure as much as possible, offer extra comfort during the day, and know that your baby’s sleep will restabilise. A regression is not a reason to abandon sleep training — it is a reason to stay consistent while being a bit more flexible.
Can I sleep train if we co-sleep or bed-share?
Most sleep training methods assume baby is learning to sleep in their own sleep space. If you want to continue bed-sharing, your options are more limited, but gentle fading approaches can still help reduce your active involvement in helping baby sleep. If you want to transition from co-sleeping to independent sleep, that is a bigger project that combines sleep training with the separate challenge of changing sleep location. Our self-care guide might help you find energy for this transition.
The Thing Nobody Tells You
Here is what I wish someone had told me when I was sitting on that bathroom floor at 3 AM: sleep training is not just about your baby. It is about you too. You matter. Your sleep matters. Your mental health matters. Your capacity to be a present, patient, engaged parent depends on you being a functional human being, and functional human beings need sleep.
There is a particular kind of guilt that mothers carry around meeting their own needs, as if taking care of yourself somehow takes away from taking care of your child. But it does not work that way. A well-rested mother is a better mother. A mother who is not drowning in exhaustion-fuelled anxiety and depression is a better mother. Taking steps to improve your sleep is not selfish — it is necessary.
So whatever you decide about sleep training — whether you choose a direct method or a gentle one, whether you start at four months or wait until later, whether you do it at all — make the decision that serves your whole family, including yourself. You are part of this family too.
The nights will not feel endless forever. I promise you that. Whether through training or time or some combination, your baby will eventually sleep. And so will you.
How is sleep going in your house right now? Are you in the thick of exhaustion, considering your options, or mercifully on the other side? I would genuinely love to hear where you are — we are all navigating this fog together.
Lila.
