Last Updated on January 26, 2026 by Lila Sjöberg
Can I tell you about the moment I realised I had been loving my daughter all wrong? Not wrong in the sense of not loving her enough — I would move mountains for that child. But wrong in the way I was trying to show it. I had been buying her little gifts, surprising her with treats, thinking I was filling her cup. But what she actually wanted — what made her entire face light up — was for me to sit on the floor and build Lego with her. No distractions, no phone, just me fully present in her world for twenty minutes. That was the day I understood that love is not just about what we give; it is about what they actually receive.
Key Takeaways
Children have distinct preferences for how they best receive and understand love, and these preferences often differ from their parents’ — which is why your heartfelt efforts might not be landing the way you hope. Learning to identify your child’s primary love language transforms everyday moments into genuine connection and helps fill their emotional tank in ways that actually register. Most children respond to multiple love languages, and preferences can shift as they grow through different developmental stages. The goal is not perfection but awareness — simply paying attention to what lights your child up versus what falls flat teaches you more than any book ever could.
The Short Answer
Your child’s love language is the primary way they experience feeling loved and valued. The five languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Observe what your child requests most, how they express love to others, and what upsets them most when missing — these clues reveal their emotional needs.
Why This Matters More Than You Think
Here is something that took me embarrassingly long to understand: loving our children fiercely and loving them effectively are not always the same thing. You can pour your heart into parenting and still miss the mark if you are speaking a language they do not fluently understand.
Think about it this way. Imagine someone expressing deep love for you in a language you barely speak. You might intellectually know they care, but it would not land in your heart the same way as hearing it in your native tongue. That is what happens when we love our children in our language rather than theirs.
Dr Gary Chapman introduced the concept of love languages years ago, originally for couples. But his work with child psychiatrist Ross Campbell revealed something profound: children are born with these preferences too. And understanding them changes everything — from how we handle bedtime struggles to how we repair after conflict to how we build the kind of secure attachment that carries them through life.
Words of Affirmation: When What You Say Becomes Their Inner Voice
Some children drink in words like plants drink water. For these children, verbal acknowledgment is not just nice — it is essential. They need to hear that you are proud, that you see their effort, that you love them in actual spoken words.
My nephew is like this. He will ask his mum the same question three different ways just to hear her say yes, I really do think your drawing is amazing. At first, she thought he was fishing for compliments or being insecure. But once she understood this was his love language, she realised he was not being needy — he was asking to be filled up in the way that actually works for him.
You might have a words of affirmation child if they frequently ask whether you liked something they did, if they remember compliments weeks later and bring them up again, if they visibly wilt under criticism even when it is constructive, or if they seem to need verbal reassurance more than their siblings do.
Speaking this language well means being specific rather than generic. That drawing is so good matters less than I love how you used all those different blues for the ocean — it really looks like waves. It means catching them doing something right and naming it out loud. It means being careful with your critical words because they land harder on these children than on others.
One thing I have learned: for these children, your voice becomes their internal voice. The words you speak to them today become the words they speak to themselves for years to come. That is both a responsibility and an incredible opportunity.
Quality Time: The Gift of Your Full Attention
For some children, nothing communicates love more clearly than your undivided presence. Not being in the same room while scrolling your phone. Not half-listening while cooking dinner. But actually, fully, completely there — eyes, ears, attention, all of it focused on them.
These children are the ones constantly saying watch me! and look at this! and will you play with me? They are not being demanding or attention-seeking in a negative sense — they are asking for love in the only currency that makes them feel wealthy.
I will be honest: this one is hard for me. I am a multitasker by nature, always trying to accomplish three things at once. But I have learned that fifteen minutes of my complete attention fills my daughter’s cup more than an hour of distracted presence ever could. She knows the difference. They always know the difference.
If your child lights up when you put down your phone to focus on them, if they talk about the time you spent together long after it happened, if they become upset when plans get cancelled even if you offer something else instead, or if they consistently choose activities that involve you over solo play — quality time might be their primary language.
Speaking this language does not require grand gestures or entire days devoted to them (though those are lovely when possible). It means building small rituals of connection into ordinary days. Five minutes of eye contact and conversation during breakfast. Ten minutes of playing whatever game they choose before dinner. The consistency matters more than the duration.
Receiving Gifts: It Is Not About the Stuff
Before you assume a child who loves gifts is materialistic, hear me out. For these children, a gift is not about the object itself — it is about the tangible proof that someone was thinking about them. The gift says you were on my mind and I wanted you to know it.
These children treasure small tokens the way other children treasure words or time. They remember who gave them each item in their room. They carefully preserve things others might throw away because those objects hold emotional significance far beyond their monetary value.
My friend’s son is like this. He still has a rock she picked up on a walk and gave to him three years ago because she thought he might like it. To anyone else, it is just a rock. To him, it is proof that his mother thinks of him even when he is not there.
You might have a gifts child if they put enormous thought into presents they give others, if they notice and remember small surprises you bring them, if they save mementos and ticket stubs and little tokens from experiences, or if they seem to equate gifts with being loved even when you express love in other ways too.
Speaking this language does not require spending money. It requires thoughtfulness. A leaf you picked up because it reminded you of them. A note tucked in their lunchbox. A small something you spotted at the shop that made you think of their current obsession. The message is I was away from you, and you were still on my mind.
Acts of Service: Love Made Visible Through Action
For some children, actions speak louder than words — literally. These children feel most loved when you do things for them, especially things that make their lives easier or that show you understand their struggles.
This might look like helping with homework when they are overwhelmed, fixing a broken toy promptly instead of adding it to the endless to-do list, making their favourite meal without being asked, or anticipating a need and meeting it before they even articulate it.
A mother I know shared that her son’s entire demeanour shifted when she started packing his lunch with extra care — cutting sandwiches into shapes, including little notes, arranging things nicely. She had thought lunch-packing was just a task to complete. For him, it was a love letter he opened every day at school.
You might have an acts of service child if they frequently ask for help even with things they could probably manage themselves, if they express deep gratitude when you do something for them, if they are acutely aware of the things you do around the house, or if they often offer to help you with your tasks as their way of showing love back.
Speaking this language means following through on what you say you will do (broken promises hit these children especially hard), noticing when they are struggling and stepping in, and doing things with care rather than just getting them done. The how matters as much as the what.
Physical Touch: Comfort Through Connection
Some children experience love most powerfully through their bodies. Hugs, cuddles, a hand on the shoulder, roughhousing, hair brushing, back rubs — physical contact speaks directly to their hearts in a way words simply cannot.
These are the children who climb into your lap without being invited, who reach for your hand while walking, who seem to need physical contact the way others need air. When they are upset, a hug does more to calm them than any explanation or distraction.
My youngest is a physical touch child through and through. He would live permanently attached to me if I allowed it. I have learned that a thirty-second hug in the morning sets his entire day on a better trajectory. It costs me almost nothing and gives him almost everything he needs.
You might have a physical touch child if they constantly seek physical proximity or contact, if they are more physically demonstrative than their siblings, if they are deeply comforted by touch when upset (while other children might need space), or if they express affection primarily through hugs, cuddles, and physical closeness.
Speaking this language means building touch rituals into daily life — goodbye hugs, hello hugs, bedtime back rubs, hand-holding on walks. It means using physical connection during conversations, not just at specific affection moments. And it means being willing to give touch even when you are touched out yourself, because for these children, it is not optional.
How to Figure Out Your Child’s Language
So how do you actually identify which language your child speaks most fluently? Here is what has worked for me and for other parents I have talked with.
Watch what they request. What does your child ask for most often? Play with me suggests quality time. Do you like it? suggests words of affirmation. Can you help me? suggests acts of service. Give me a hug suggests physical touch. Each request is a clue about what fills their tank.
Notice how they express love to you. Children often give love in the way they most want to receive it. The child who draws you pictures might value gifts. The child who constantly wants to sit on your lap might need physical touch. The child who tells you you are the best mum ever might thrive on words of affirmation.
Pay attention to what upsets them most when it is missing. Does your child fall apart when you cancel plans together? Quality time. Do they seem crushed by critical words? Words of affirmation. Are they devastated when you forget to bring them something you promised? Gifts. Their pain points reveal their priorities.
Try each language intentionally and observe. Spend a week emphasising each love language and watch your child’s response. When do they seem most connected? When do they light up? When do they seem satisfied and secure? The reactions tell the story.
When Your Language Differs From Theirs
Here is where it gets complicated: your child’s love language probably differs from yours. And we tend to default to giving love in the way we most want to receive it.
I am a words person. I express love through verbal affirmation naturally and easily. But my daughter is a quality time child. For years, I told her I loved her constantly while also being distracted and unavailable. I thought I was filling her cup. I was speaking into a void.
When your languages differ, you have to be intentional about speaking theirs even when it does not come naturally. Set reminders if you need to. Create systems that prompt you. It might feel awkward at first, like speaking a foreign language. But fluency comes with practice.
The beautiful thing is that children are forgiving. They do not need perfection. They just need you to try, to notice, to adjust. The effort itself communicates love, even when you stumble.
Love Languages at Different Ages
Here is something important: love language preferences can shift as children develop. A toddler who seemed to need constant physical touch might become a school-age child who craves quality time. A child who loved receiving gifts might grow into a teenager who values words of affirmation most.
With toddlers and very young children, physical touch and quality time tend to dominate because these are their primary modes of experiencing the world. They cannot yet fully process verbal affirmation or understand the thoughtfulness behind gifts. Stay close, stay present, stay physically connected.
Preschoolers begin to show more distinct preferences. You can start to observe patterns and tailor your approach. This is also when words start to land more powerfully — both positive and negative ones. Be mindful of what you say; it is going into their developing self-concept.
School-age children have clearer preferences and can even participate in conversations about how they feel most loved. Ask them directly. Show them the love languages and see which ones resonate. They often know themselves better than we give them credit for.
Teenagers are complex creatures whose needs shift constantly. They might push you away while desperately needing connection. Acts of service often become more meaningful in these years — practical help that respects their growing independence while still showing you care.
The key is ongoing observation and willingness to adapt. What worked last year might not work this year. Stay curious about your changing child. Keep asking, both directly and through observation, what makes them feel loved right now.
Speaking All Five Languages
While identifying a primary love language is valuable, I want to offer a gentle caution against becoming too rigid about it. Children benefit from receiving love in all five languages, even if one resonates most deeply.
Think of it like nutrition. Your child might have a favourite food, but they still need a varied diet to thrive. Similarly, a quality time child still benefits from hearing affirming words, receiving thoughtful gifts, experiencing helpful acts, and feeling physical affection. The primary language is the main course, but the others are important too.
Balanced exposure to all five languages also prepares children for diverse relationships throughout life. They learn to both give and receive love in multiple ways, which serves them well in friendships, romantic relationships, and eventually their own parenting.
When It Is Not Working
Sometimes you identify your child’s love language, speak it consistently, and still feel like something is off. Connection remains elusive. Their tank stays empty. What then?
First, consider whether you have identified the right language. Our assumptions can mislead us. Try a different approach and see if the response changes.
Second, look for other factors affecting connection. Stress, transitions, developmental phases, sibling dynamics, school challenges — many things can interfere with a child’s ability to receive love, regardless of how well you are speaking their language.
Third, examine the authenticity of your expression. Children have remarkably accurate radar for going through the motions versus genuine presence. If you are spending quality time but mentally elsewhere, they know. If your affirming words feel scripted rather than heartfelt, they sense it.
Finally, consider consulting with a family therapist or child psychologist if connection challenges persist. Some children have experienced things that make receiving love complicated, and professional support can help navigate those waters.
Love Languages FAQ
At what age can I identify my child’s love language?
Preferences begin showing as early as toddlerhood, but they typically become clearer and more stable around ages three to five. Before that, most children need heavy doses of physical touch and quality time simply because of their developmental stage. Watch for emerging patterns but hold them loosely in the early years.
Can a child have more than one primary love language?
Absolutely. Many children (and adults) have two languages that feel equally important, or a primary and a close secondary. This is normal and actually gives you more avenues for connection. Observe which two or three seem most significant and prioritise those.
What if my child’s love language is exhausting for me?
This is real and valid. If your child needs constant physical touch and you feel touched out, or they need quality time and you are drained, finding sustainable ways to meet their needs matters. Start with small, consistent doses rather than overwhelming yourself. Our self-care guide addresses maintaining your own reserves while meeting your family’s needs.
How do I handle love languages with multiple children?
This is one of the great challenges of parenting siblings. Each child needs love in their own language, which means you are essentially multilingual in your parenting. Create individual rituals with each child that speak their specific language, even if they are brief. The bedtime routines we have established in our house look different for each child for exactly this reason.
Do love languages apply to children with special needs?
Yes, though expression might look different. A child with sensory processing differences might have a complex relationship with physical touch — craving certain types while being overwhelmed by others. A non-verbal child might express love language preferences through behaviour rather than words. Work with your child’s healthcare providers to adapt these concepts appropriately to their unique needs.
The Real Point of All This
Here is what I want you to take away from everything I have written: understanding love languages is not about perfecting a formula. It is about paying attention. It is about asking the question what does my child actually need from me right now? rather than assuming you already know.
The magic is not in getting it right every time. The magic is in the noticing, the trying, the adjusting. It is in the message your child receives when they see you making effort to love them in their language rather than just your own: I see you. I want to understand you. You matter enough for me to learn.
That message — more than any specific love language technique — builds the secure attachment that carries them through life. It teaches them that they deserve to be truly known. It models the kind of attentive love they will eventually bring to their own relationships.
So start watching. Start noticing what lights your child up and what falls flat. Try things and observe the results. Ask them directly when they are old enough to articulate it. Stay curious about who they are becoming, because it keeps changing.
Your child is waiting to be loved in the way that reaches them most deeply. And you are exactly the right person to figure out what that looks like. I would love to hear what you discover — what languages do your children speak?
Lila.
