Last Updated on January 18, 2026 by Lila Sjöberg
“Just rest when the baby sleeps,” they said. And I laughed, because apparently “rest” means staring at my phone while mentally cataloging everything I should be doing instead of resting. Or lying down but being so wired from hypervigilance that actual relaxation feels impossible. Or finally getting the kids settled only to realize I’ve forgotten how to stop.
Rest as a mom isn’t just about finding time. It’s about finding the ability to actually let go — which turns out to be surprisingly difficult when you’ve been operating in “on” mode for months or years straight.
Key Takeaways
True rest requires more than physical stillness — it requires mental permission to stop. The inability to rest is often a nervous system issue, not a time management issue. Quality rest is more restorative than quantity, so short periods of genuine relaxation beat hours of anxious lying around. You have to actively unlearn the habit of constant productivity to access real rest.
The Short Answer: To actually rest as a mom, you need to address the mental block that keeps you “on” even when you have time off. This means practicing nervous system regulation, lowering your standards temporarily, and giving yourself genuine permission to be unproductive — without guilt.
If you’ve ever collapsed on the couch the moment kids are in bed but then couldn’t actually relax, this one’s for you. Let’s talk about why rest feels so hard — and how to actually do it.
Why Rest Feels Impossible
Here’s the thing nobody tells you: motherhood rewires your brain for hypervigilance. You’re constantly scanning for danger, anticipating needs, mentally tracking schedules and snacks and emotional temperatures. That vigilance doesn’t just switch off because the kids are asleep or your partner takes over.
Your nervous system has been running in low-grade stress mode for so long that it doesn’t trust downtime. The moment you try to rest, your brain helpfully supplies a list of everything that needs doing. Or it keeps you alert, listening for sounds, ready to respond to the next crisis that might (but probably won’t) happen.
This isn’t a character flaw. It’s your biology doing what it thinks is protecting your kids. But it means that learning to rest again requires actively convincing your nervous system that it’s safe to stand down — even temporarily.
The Difference Between Resting and Doing Nothing
Scrolling your phone while lying on the couch isn’t rest. It feels like rest because you’re horizontal, but your brain is still consuming, processing, comparing, judging. You stand up after an hour of scrolling feeling somehow more tired than before.
Real rest has a specific quality — it’s absence. Absence of input, absence of demand, absence of stimulation. It’s the mental equivalent of silence. And for many of us, silence feels uncomfortable because we’ve forgotten how to be with ourselves without distraction.
Start noticing what you reach for when you have a moment of downtime. Phone? TV? Snack? All of these are fine in moderation, but if you literally cannot sit still without reaching for something, that’s information. Your nervous system might be avoiding the stillness because stillness feels unsafe or uncomfortable.
Giving Yourself Permission
This sounds so simple that you might want to skip it. Don’t. The permission piece is often what’s actually blocking you from rest.
Somewhere along the way, many of us absorbed the message that rest is earned — and that we haven’t earned it yet. There’s always more laundry, more dishes, more emotional labor. Resting while tasks remain undone feels like failure or laziness or neglect.
But here’s the truth: the tasks will never all be done. Literally never. If you wait until everything is finished to rest, you will never rest. You have to rest in the middle of it all, with dishes in the sink and toys on the floor and emails unanswered. That’s the only option.
Try saying out loud: “I am allowed to rest right now, even though things aren’t done.” Notice what comes up. Resistance? Guilt? Anxiety? That’s the stuff to work with. Our 15-minute self-love guide talks more about releasing mom guilt — it’s worth revisiting.
Calming Your Nervous System First
If you’re too wired to rest, trying to force rest just creates frustration. Instead, you might need a transition activity — something that helps your body shift from alert mode to rest mode.
Slow, deep breathing works for many people (the long exhale is key). Gentle stretching helps release physical tension you might not even realize you’re holding. A warm shower or bath signals safety to your body. Even just putting your feet up and placing a hand on your heart can help.
Think of it like cooling down after exercise. You wouldn’t sprint and then immediately lie still — your body needs a transition. Same applies to rest after the marathon of daily mothering.
Our relaxation essentials page has some great tools for this — weighted blankets, calming teas, aromatherapy. But you don’t need any products. Your breath is free and always available.
Creating Conditions for Rest
Environment matters more than you might think. Trying to rest in a room full of visual clutter sends subconscious signals to your brain that there’s work to be done. The mess becomes a to-do list you can’t unsee.
You don’t need a spotless house to rest (impossible anyway), but you might benefit from having one specific spot that’s your rest zone. A corner of the couch. A chair in your bedroom. Wherever it is, try to keep that one spot clear and comfortable. Train your brain to associate that spot with rest.
Dimmer lighting helps signal to your body that it’s time to wind down. So does reducing noise, or using white noise if your house is never quiet. Some moms find a weighted blanket helpful — the gentle pressure activates the parasympathetic nervous system. It’s like being hugged, which turns out to be calming even if you’re hugging yourself with a blanket.
What to Do With Your Mind
Lying still while your brain races through worry and to-do lists isn’t rest — it’s torture. If your mind won’t quiet naturally, give it something gentle to focus on.
Body scan meditations work well for this. Start at your feet and slowly move attention up through your body, noticing sensations without trying to change anything. By the time you reach your head, you’ve often dropped into a calmer state almost accidentally.
Alternatively, focus on sounds. Not analyzing them, just noticing. The hum of the refrigerator. Birds outside. Distant traffic. Let sounds come and go without attaching stories to them.
If meditation feels too hard, try boring yourself to sleep. Listen to someone reading a book in a very calm voice, it works! There are whole apps and podcasts designed for this — stories that are intentionally dull enough to let your brain disengage. It’s not failure to need help winding down. It’s just using tools.
Protecting Your Rest Time
Here’s where it gets practical. Rest doesn’t just happen; it has to be protected like any other priority. If you wait for a convenient time, you’ll wait forever.
This might mean having a direct conversation with your partner: “I need 30 minutes of uninterrupted time today. Can you handle everything during that window?” It might mean putting rest in your calendar like an appointment. It might mean accepting that the kids will watch a show while you lie down — and that’s okay.
Speaking of burnout — if you’re running on empty and can’t even imagine resting, you might be past the point of simple self-care. Our piece on signs of working mom burnout is worth reading. Sometimes what looks like inability to rest is actually your body sending urgent signals that something needs to change.
Rest Doesn’t Have to Look Like Sleep
Some moms feel like they’re wasting time if they rest without actually sleeping. But rest has many forms. Lying still with your eyes closed, even without sleeping, gives your body a break. Gentle reading (not doom-scrolling) can be restful. Sitting in nature without doing anything counts. Slow, easy activity like coloring or puzzles can be restorative if it doesn’t feel like work.
The key is low stimulation, low demand, and low productivity. You’re not accomplishing anything. You’re not consuming anything intense. You’re just… being. That’s enough. That IS rest.
Starting Small
If rest feels impossible right now, don’t aim for an hour. Aim for five minutes. Set a timer, lie down, close your eyes, breathe. That’s it. When the timer goes off, you’re done — no pressure to continue.
Tomorrow, try six minutes. Then seven. Gradually, your nervous system learns that rest is safe, that nothing terrible happens when you stop, that the world doesn’t fall apart during a few minutes of stillness.
This is retraining. It takes time. Be patient with yourself. You’ve spent years learning to be constantly on. Learning to turn off again won’t happen overnight.
Frequently Asked Questions
I have time to rest but I just can’t relax. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you. Your nervous system is stuck in alert mode, which is incredibly common for moms. You need to actively down-regulate through breathing, gentle movement, or other calming practices before rest is possible. It’s not a willpower issue — it’s a physiology issue.
How do I rest without feeling guilty about everything I’m not doing?
Remind yourself that rest IS doing something — it’s maintaining the human who does all those other things. If you burn out, nothing gets done anyway. Rest is preventive maintenance, not laziness. The dishes will still be there after your rest; you’ll just be more capable of handling them.
My kids are constantly interrupting any attempt at rest. Solutions?
Depending on their age: quiet time in their rooms while you rest, screen time with no guilt attached, or enlisting a partner or family member to be “on duty” for a set period. Also, practice letting small interruptions go — you can pause rest, handle something quick, and return without starting over.
Is scrolling social media or watching TV considered rest?
It depends. Mindless consumption when your brain is active isn’t true rest — you stand up feeling tired rather than refreshed. But gentle, low-stakes entertainment that you genuinely enjoy can be restorative. The test: do you feel better or worse after? That’s your answer.
How much rest do I actually need?
More than you’re getting, probably. There’s no magic number, but aim for at least some genuine rest (not just sleep) every day. Even 15-20 minutes of real, quality rest can make a noticeable difference in your mood and capacity. Start there and adjust based on how you feel.
Rest Is a Skill
Here’s the reframe that helped me most: rest isn’t something that just happens to you when conditions are perfect. It’s a skill you practice, like anything else. You’re not bad at resting — you’re just out of practice.
Start where you are. Five minutes of intentional stillness. A few deep breaths before bed. Permission to lie down while the kids are occupied without immediately finding something to do.
You deserve rest. Not because you’ve earned it through sufficient suffering or productivity, but because you’re a human being and human beings need rest. Period. The laundry can wait. The emails can wait. Right now, in this moment, you’re allowed to stop.
Close your eyes. Breathe. Let go — even if just for a moment.
That’s rest. And you’re doing it.
Lila.
